An American study published in Harvard Business Review highlighted how, when the CEO changes in a company, the directors reporting to them were let go.
Many, but not all. The research investigated the possible conditions that allowed the few to stay on board.
They had all carried out two speech acts:
- They had “declared” to the CEO that they would support him 100% in the following six months, aware of how much pressure and obstacles the CEO would face in the first part of the term.
They told him: “You can count on me, I’m here! At the end of the year, we’ll see how it went and talk about it, but in the meantime, I’m here.” - They had asked specific questions about the expectations of the new boss, regarding his way of working, such as: “What facts make you change your mind? Statistics or on-the-ground results? If I disagree and there hasn't been time to discuss it beforehand, how would you like me to behave? In which situations do you prefer that I share my point of view with you? Can I disagree with you only in private, or also publicly? If I’ve tried to convince you of my point of view and failed, should I try again or simply accept the decision made? What exactly do you expect from me?”
The few who had maintained their role after a year had clearly declared where they stood and made clear requests.
Ask, offer, declare
Today, there are managers who have entered companies without ever meeting their new boss in person, without ever seeing the people on their team in person.
In these conditions, it becomes even more important to ask, offer, declare to build trust and work together effectively.
Making a request can sometimes feel difficult, risky, it exposes us, it puts us in the uncomfortable position of possibly receiving a no. But it’s so important!
Ontological coaching
Ontological coaching, born in America in the 1980s thanks to Fernando Flores, Rafael Echeverria, and Alberto Maturana, studied language and its close connection with emotions.
It highlighted how language is action, coordinates actions, and is creative, generative, making things happen.
If I make a request and you respond with yes, I get a promise; if I make an offer and it is accepted, my life can change completely. We get married, change jobs, accept or refuse medical treatment through language.
Ontological coaching has identified the speech acts, the fundamental actors of discourse: requests, offers, declarations, evaluations, and affirmations. In every communication, there is always a speech act.
Learning to make requests is the first crucial step to having good conversations and building good relationships. Making them clearly requires considering some simple rules that apply to both video and in-person communications.
- Make sure to have 100% of the attention from our interlocutor, ask them if they have five minutes for us, if they can dedicate these few minutes of attention. If we see that they are looking at messages on their phone, even if it’s the boss, we can ask if they’d prefer to schedule an appointment at another time. Let’s make sure they look us in the eye, that they are really present.
- Define the conditions of satisfaction and be specific. What is the result I am asking for that will make me satisfied?
- Define the timing: by when, for when?
- Choose the tone with which I communicate. The emotion I convey will make the request more or less effective. It will be important that it is consistent with the type of request: if I’m asking for a complex task by tomorrow and I’m immersed in a sense of urgency, I will emphasize the concept of meeting deadlines even more.
- Pay attention to what we consider obvious and might not be for the listener (technical, cultural, linguistic aspects).
But why, if the rules are so simple, is it so difficult to change the way we communicate?
We can ruin our days with our internal conversations, telling ourselves stories based solely on our opinions, but which for us represent the truth.
We are the ones who have the power to make the request that can change our life, help us get the job of our dreams, and win our great love.
Full of enthusiasm, we start a meeting using words that convey courage, optimism, and motivation to the whole team, stirring them up, giving them energy.
At other times, we use phrases that generate anxiety, worry, and make us want to change companies, or make the boss want to fire us.
Often, we are not aware of it, and sometimes we don't even realize the impact we have on others, how we are responsible for what happens because of our conversations.
Yet, we could decide in advance what to say and how to say it.
We live under the illusion of “having conversations” when, often, it is our conversations that “have us.”
A great effort and a deep process of reflection are required to break free from the inertia of the automatic patterns that guide what we say and think.
Our thoughts and words are shaped by our past experiences, the emotions of the moment, our culture, and our lazy, automatic interpretation of the world.
Waking up from this unawareness can set us free and open the door to new possibilities, new ways of interpreting events, and relating to ourselves and others.
Communication in business organizations
Let's think about business organizations or any other type.
Everywhere there is an enormity of unmet expectations that create a fracture in trust between people when often the problem is simply that things were not explained well, there was poor, unclear communication, the request was not made or was not expressed correctly. Continuous misunderstandings, wasted time, disappointments, mistakes.
It’s no different from a couple’s relationship. I expect the other person to know what I like, after all, they know me. Similarly, we often interpret their lack of attention thinking: “It’s clear they don’t care!”
Expectations are created because we think that our point of view, our experience, and our values are universal and correct, we think that everyone knows that “this is how it's done” and we take many things for granted.
Think about the unwritten, implicit rules that exist in companies. We often believe we've communicated a task clearly, but there’s an enormous amount of information that the other person probably doesn't know, and without it, their interpretation turns out to be completely different.
Awareness of language
Just as fish live immersed in water and everything around them is water, they know nothing about the substance they swim in and are not even aware they are in it, so we are immersed in language and live within it, surrounded by it, yet unaware of its importance, power, and the impact it has on us and others.
Fish could become aware of living in water only by leaving it, changing their state, just as we can take a step back to observe it, see how we use it, and become more aware, more competent, and use it better.
Changing the way we communicate is not just a matter of strategies and techniques, but involves a deep reflection on the place we occupy and from which we speak, on how we position ourselves towards others and what we expect from them. We must acquire this awareness and understand the impact our speech has on the people around us.
#JulioOlalla #FernandoFlores #RafaelEcheverria #AlbertoMaturana #CoachingOntologico Newfield Network USA
